Growing Confident, Independent Kids This Summer

One of the greatest gifts we can give children is helping them discover they can handle more than they thought possible. As parents, we all want our children to tackle challenges and bounce back from frustration or disappointment. We want them to believe in themselves, navigate obstacles with courage, and care for the people around them.

The good news is that these qualities grow through everyday experiences, and summer is uniquely suited for this kind of growth.

Without the routines and pace of the school year, children often have more time to take on responsibilities, solve unexpected problems, make difficult decisions, and experience the satisfaction that comes from figuring something out on their own. Those moments may seem ordinary, but they are helping children develop skills that will serve them well when we welcome them back at the beginning of the new school year.

Confidence Grows From Doing

It can be tempting to think that confidence comes first. In reality, psychologists have found that the opposite is often true.

Albert Bandura, whose research on self-efficacy has influenced educators around the world, found that people become confident by successfully working through meaningful challenges. Children begin to believe in themselves because they have their own evidence that they can solve problems, recover from mistakes, and learn something new. Confidence is earned through risk-taking, trial and error, and reflecting on what happened. 

That doesn't mean children need to do everything on their own. They still need adults nearby to encourage, support, and guide them. But they also need opportunities to stretch just beyond what feels comfortable, believing they can do a little more than they, or maybe even we, think they can.

Let Them Own Something

One of the best ways to nurture independence is to give children genuine responsibility. For a preschooler, that might mean choosing an outfit and getting dressed themselves, watering a plant, or helping prepare lunch. For an elementary-aged child, it might be packing for a family outing, helping cook dinner, caring for a pet, or planning part of a day's activities. Middle school students can take on even greater responsibility by managing a summer job or volunteer commitment, making sure they are ready for camp or practice, planning a family outing, researching and budgeting for a purchase. The task itself matters less than the message behind it:

"I trust you."

Don't Rescue Too Quickly

Watching children struggle is hard.

Whether they're trying to tie a shoe, build something that keeps falling apart, or work through a disagreement with a friend, our instinct is often to jump in and fix the problem. Sometimes that's exactly what's needed. Other times, children benefit more from having an adult stay close while resisting the urge to take over.

Developmental psychologist Ann Masten describes resilience as "ordinary magic." Rather than being a rare quality that only some children possess, resilience develops through everyday experiences of facing manageable challenges while knowing that caring adults are nearby. Every disappointment doesn't need to become a lesson. Sometimes children simply need the opportunity to discover, "That was difficult, but I made it through."

Mistakes Are Part of Growing

Mistakes are not something to fear, they're part of learning. When children forget an ingredient while cooking, pack the wrong item for an outing, or discover that their first idea didn't work, they aren't failing. They're gathering information about what to try next.

Children who know it's safe to make mistakes are more willing to take on new challenges, ask for help when they need it, and keep trying when things don't go as planned. Over time, they begin to see setbacks not as evidence that they can't do something, but as part of the process of becoming capable.

Looking Ahead to the School Year

At Marylhurst, we intentionally create opportunities for students to practice these skills every day: taking responsibility, working through challenges, asking for help when needed, and discovering what they are capable of. As a new school year begins, children encounter countless opportunities to use these skills. They meet new teachers who sound and act differently from their teacher last year. They navigate new routines that may feel strange. They sit next to a student they have never seen or talked to before. They face a math problem that just simply stumps them.

Children who have spent the summer practicing independence often arrive with a quiet confidence. They are more willing to unpack their own backpack, solve small problems, persist through challenges, engage in a spontaneous conversation, and recover when things don't go exactly as planned.

Of course, every child will still need support. Growing independence doesn't mean expecting children to do everything alone. It means helping them discover that they are capable, while reminding them that trusted adults are always nearby.

Try This!

This week, look for one responsibility your child is ready, or just about ready, to own. Choose something that's just a little challenging, not impossible. Maybe it's packing their bag for a family outing, tying their own shoes, helping make dinner, ordering their own meal at a restaurant, planning a family game night, or watering the garden.

When something doesn't go quite as planned, resist the urge to immediately step in. Instead, try asking:

• "What do you think you could try next?"

• "How would you like to solve this?"

• "Would you like my help, or would you like another minute to think about it?"

You might be surprised by what your child is capable of when given the chance.

For Parents Who Want to Learn More

Start Here:

Mind in the Making by Ellen Galinsky explores seven research-based life skills that help children become thoughtful, resilient, and independent learners. Drawing on decades of developmental research, Galinsky offers practical ways families can nurture these skills through everyday interactions. 

Also worth reading…

The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey explores how stepping back at the right moments allows children to become more independent, responsible, and motivated.

Mindset by Carol Dweck explains how praising effort, persistence, and learning rather than innate ability encourages children to embrace challenges and keep growing.